


Lies We Tell Ourselves at Night

by RoyaltyAndRenegades



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren and his many thoughts before bed, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 12:46:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18208502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoyaltyAndRenegades/pseuds/RoyaltyAndRenegades
Summary: Kylo Ren muses his most recent choices and their consequences before falling asleep. I suppose these are the lies we all tell ourselves at night.





	Lies We Tell Ourselves at Night

It is only in the quiet of his bedroom after a long day that he allows his eyes to stare blankly at the durasteel walls and his mind to wander about past events. The event plagueing his nights as of late was the throne room. He has no regrets with killing Snoke. The old monster's prescience, which had haunted him since birth, is finally gone. His resolve and decisiveness has never been stronger, and his mind has never been quieter.What thoughts linger about the event, however, revolve around two very different people.

The first, Rey, the nobody who has made herself someone unforgettable to him. He often wonders what would have happened if he tried to go with her. He knows that he would never return to the Resistance, but maybe he could have convinced her to stop fighting for them, and they could have hidden away somewhere far enough from the war that they would never be found. Alternatively, he wonders what would have happened if they never fought for the lightsaber, if she would have joined him instead, or if he simply would have woken up first.

Sardonically he thinks, "at least she no longer has a lightsaber to slice through the other half of my face."

Rey was a survivor, but the stubborn girl had far too much light to ever really join him in The Order. She would have to be kept to the side and made unaware of the military power's movements. She would have hated it from the start. She is far too wild to be caged in this place. Besides, Hux would have self combusted once he found out. For all his control, that man had a tucked away temper explosive enough in its viciousness to rival Kylo's infamous moods. Though, as time went on, maybe Rey would have grown on him as well. Hux would have respected her survivalist nature and admired her skill with ships as well as their mechanics. No doubt she would argue with him about the necessity of military strikes, and he would argue their validity until his lungs gave out. All the while, Kylo could watch the sparring match to see who came out on top this time. Yes, they would have been an interesting team indeed.

The second person he thinks about, perhaps more than Rey, is Hux. The most brilliant man in The First Order, and the biggest pain in his ass. From the day he arrived, Hux had hated Kylo and Kylo had hated him right back. He sees now how Snoke's desire to pit them against each other stifled their potential as a team. With Hux's strategical prowess and his strength in the force, they could have taken control and deposed of the old bat years ago. Kylo would have taken the mantle as Supreme Leader, and Hux could have been made Emperor. They would have destroyed the Resistance, conquered the New Republic, and maybe stumbled across a little scavenger stranded on a desert planet. It would have been his very own perfectly dysfunctional family. A makeshift group of people who didn't belong together, but somehow ended up tethered to each other anyway. It would have been broken pieces haphazardly patched together, and he would have loved every second of it.

However, that is not what happened on that fateful day in the throne room. Kylo had awoken with a start in a burning throne room, with Rey long gone and Hux standing by Snoke's body looking at him as if he was a wild animal. He probably is one. When Hux had questioned Kylo's commands, he had choked Hux until the man's eyes were bulging out of his skull. Before unconsciousness had overtaken him, Hux had accepted him as the newest Supreme Leader. The venom in his eyes would have poisoned Kylo on the spot.

Kylo stormed away before Hux could say anything more. Too angry to hate himself for what he had done and unable to look back at the burning room for risk of crumbling under the look Hux was sending him. Not an hour later, he had thrown Hux against the wall of an AT-AT like he meant nothing to the Order, or him. A simple rag doll meant to be used and thrown away once the fun was over. There's no excuse for what happened. The only respite he ever allows himself is the events happened far too quickly to process. Maybe, just maybe, if it would have been spaced out more he would have been able to make choices which didn't keep him up at night. Maybe Rey would be exploring the Finalizer with Hux and training with Kylo in the ways of the force. Growing stronger each day. An olive branch could have been given to Hux in the form of his long desired title of Grand Marshall. That would have given him something to be quietly smug about around Peavey and all the other old Empire loons who didn't believe in Hux's skill because of his age or parentage.

Actually, promoting Hux to Grand Marshall might be his worst decision right now. At the very least, it would hopefully keep hux from trying to kill him for a few cycles. Plus he could use their time spent together in meetings to rebuild even a shred of their formerly budding alliance. Honestly, there is no one else he trusts with the military or respects enough to give the job to. He will have to look into tomorrow morning. Anything to fix what he did.

At the end of the day, these are the lies he tells himself at night to fall asleep. A part of his mind knows that none of this might have happened regardless of what he did or didn't do. Another more traitorous part of his mind hopes that this dream still has a chance to come true. Who knows, maybe he's allowed one wish despite all he's done. Idly, he wonders if everyone ponders these things before they fall asleep. If they all tell themselves lies to lessen the gravity of what they've done. More than likely, he is alone in his musings like so many other things in his life. Except, he knows deep down that he is responsible for his loneliness.

"I am a monster." The last thought in kylo's troubled mind before he drifts off to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys!! This is my first ever fanfiction and I hope you enjoy reading it. I will probably be editing this later, but I wanted to post what I have for now.


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